


There Are People Who Cannot Speak Without Smiling

by imherecauseimnotallthere98



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Dubious Consent, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex-Repulsed Character, Sex-Repulsed Dean Winchester, Top Dean Winchester, sex-repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:35:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29571852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imherecauseimnotallthere98/pseuds/imherecauseimnotallthere98
Summary: Cas reaches the waistband of his boxers, pausing in his kisses to look up at Dean. That look, the heat in Cas’s eyes as he waited for permission, would have had Dean hard in three seconds flat before Hell. Now, it just made him feel cold. Like something inside himself was shrinking away from Cas, pulling into a tight cocoon around his heart. Dean gives him a soft smile and nods. The voice in his mind tries to reassure him this is Cas. He and Cas had done this before, and it was fine. It was fine, Dean could deal with it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	There Are People Who Cannot Speak Without Smiling

Cas kisses down his neck, down his chest, making a detour to stop at each nipple and give them both equal attention. Dean squirms and hopes that Cas would interpret it as pleasure and not... whatever is wrong with him. He tries to lose himself in the sensation, but honestly, it just feels wet and awkward.

He enjoys the affection he could tell Cas was pouring into this. Each kiss was another “stay with me”, “you’re beautiful”, “I love you” across his body. But Dean could only enjoy it so much when he knew where they were leading.

Cas reaches the waistband of his boxers, pausing in his kisses to look up at Dean. That look, the heat in Cas’s eyes as he waited for permission, would have had Dean hard in three seconds flat before Hell. Now, it just made him feel cold. Like something inside himself was shrinking away from Cas, pulling into a tight cocoon around his heart. Dean gives him a soft smile and nods. The voice in his mind tries to reassure him this is Cas. He and Cas had done this before, and it was fine. It was fine, Dean could deal with it.

Cas smiles back, oblivious to the conflict raging behind Dean’s serene expression. When he was an angel, he would have picked up on Dean’s hesitation, his apathy, his fear regarding sex. He would have known that Dean felt like this every time he even thought about sex now, and when they actually _had _sex, it was much worse. Well, maybe not because Cas never would have continued if he knew Dean was so unsure. But now he was human, and he couldn’t know what he wasn’t told. Dean was glad Cas was human.__

__The boxers come off, exposing Dean’s dick to the cool air of the room. He shivers, but it’s only partially because of the temperature. Still, Cas shuffles around until he can pull the comforter up over his head, covering Dean’s legs and part of his stomach._ _

__It makes Dean’s heart ache. Cas was so good to him, loved him so much, did everything he could to make Dean happy, and Dean couldn’t even give him this. Not fully, not the way Cas deserved. They had sex, sure, but Dean never felt like he was fully there. He learned what Cas liked and tried to make it good for him, but part of his mind was always distracted, waiting for it to be over._ _

__Cas doesn’t comment on the fact that Dean isn’t even half hard. That was normal for them. It usually took some work on Cas or Dean’s part to get him further along. So Cas got to it._ _

__Dean reaches under the blanket to run his fingers through Cas’s hair because Cas likes that. Dean moans and pants and gasps because it turns Cas on when he makes noise. At least with Cas hidden under the blankets it meant Dean doesn’t have to focus on looking turned on. After a minute he is fully hard and Cas pulls off his dick. Dean breathes a sigh of relief and relaxes as the former angel crawls back up his chest._ _

__“Dean? Will you fuck me?”_ _

__Hearing Cas swear and ask to be fucked should be really hot. But Dean just nods, relieved that Cas doesn’t want to top tonight. When Cas topped he insisted on making Dean come before he himself did, and that was no simple task nowadays. That meant sex took way longer because Cas spent 20 minutes fucking him and jerking him off until Dean dragged a small, pathetic orgasm from his body._ _

__But when he fucked Cas, he could pull out his best moves and be done in six minutes tops. Cas was always so sleepy after he came, he didn’t notice if Dean came or not. Which meant Dean wouldn’t have to spend more time trying to make that happen._ _

__Cas pushes the bottle of lube into Dean’s hand but doesn’t move onto his hands and knees. That means he wants to stay kneeling over Dean while Dean opens him up. Hoping his disappointment isn’t clear on his face, Dean squirts some lube onto his fingers and reaches between Cas’s legs._ _

__The first cool touch always makes Cas gasp. Dean circles his middle finger around Cas’s hole, working up the nerve to continue. When Cas whines and grinds down on his hand, Dean knows he can’t chicken out much longer._ _

__He pushes his finger against Cas’s rim until it sinks inside to the first knuckle._ _

__“More,” Cas groans. “Please, Dean.”_ _

__Dean nods, pressing until his finger is all the way in. Cas feels hot and tight around his finger, and Dean knows he should be imagining what that will feel like around his dick. Instead, he’s just trying to keep his face neutral._ _

__Cas is moaning above him and grinding against the finger in his ass, so Dean adds another, zeroing in on the former angel’s prostate. Cas cries out and slumps forward, hiding his face in Dean’s neck._ _

__“Oh, yes, Dean, yes! Oooh,” Cas moans, rocking his hips back and down onto the fingers inside him._ _

__Dean speeds up. Cas is pretty keyed up, Dean could make him come just like this if he does it right. He keeps up that incessant pressure on Cas’s sweet spot, listening to him fall apart above him. When Cas’s legs begin shaking, Dean breathes a sigh of relief. Cas was going to come like this and then they could cuddle and go to sleep._ _

__But then Cas reaches down and grips his wrist, stopping the movement of Dean’s fingers inside him._ _

__“Not like this. I want to feel you inside me, Dean.”_ _

__Dean’s stomach clenches, but he nods. He adds a third finger because even though he wants this over fast, he’d never hurt Cas._ _

__As he works on stretching Cas out, he reaches down with his other hand to find he is only half-hard again. While Cas whines and gasps above him, Dean tunes him out and tries to focus on jerking himself back to fully hard again._ _

__“ _Dean _… Dean, I’m ready. Please fuck me.”___ _

____His hand is wet when he pulls his fingers out, so Dean adds a little more lube to the mess and slicks his cock up. He is just lining it up when Cas stops him, a gentle hand on his chest._ _ _ _

____“Dean, are you okay? You seem distracted.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, I’m good, Cas,” Dean says, the lie rolling off his tongue automatically. He doesn’t even do it consciously anymore. “Just a little out of it, I guess.”_ _ _ _

____“Do you still want to do this? We can stop.”_ _ _ _

____God, he was so sincere, so concerned. It should be easy to say “actually, yeah, can you just hold me until I fall asleep?” But Dean doesn’t. He never does. He just doubles down and says, “I want to. C’mon, Cas. I’m good, we can keep going.”_ _ _ _

____And Cas just smiles and sits back, taking Dean’s dick like an expert. He moans as he adjusts to the stretch, and Dean just wishes Cas wasn’t looking at him right now._ _ _ _

____“Dean... oh, you feel-“_ _ _ _

____Dean surges up and kisses Cas, only because he’s already on the verge of losing his erection and if he hears Cas describe the sex, he knows he’ll lose it entirely._ _ _ _

____Cas doesn’t seem to mind, humming into the kiss as he lowers his hips until they are flush with Dean’s. Dean tries to focus on the kissing and on the tight, hot feel of Cas around him, but he just can’t find the passion he used to have for this. Normally by now he’d be fighting the urge to thrust up, maybe roll them over, giving him all the leverage to sink even deeper into his angel. But instead, he’s fighting the urge to pull out and apologize._ _ _ _

____The worst part is, he knows Cas would let him. He knew he could say “stop” and Cas would listen. He knew he could say he wasn’t in the mood anymore, and Cas would respect that. But Dean doesn’t want to hurt Cas’s feelings. The last thing he needs is the angel somehow thinking this is his fault, or that he’s done something wrong. The only way to prevent that would be to tell him the truth; that Dean hasn’t enjoyed sex since his time in The Pit. But that would mean admitting that every sexual encounter between him and Cas for the last five months had been something he only tolerated._ _ _ _

____That would hurt Cas much more. It was just easier for Dean to lay back and moan and smile and pretend he was fine._ _ _ _

____Cas picks up speed, lifting himself off Dean’s hips before slamming back down, grinding against the cock in his ass. It doesn’t feel bad or anything, but it isn’t much better than a good massage. Still, Dean moans and thrusts into Cas like there are fireworks going off in his mind. Really, the only thing on his mind is the way the lube makes a gross sound each time Cas rises off his cock._ _ _ _

____Dean grabs Cas’s hips, holding him steady at the angle he knows will have his cock pinpointed at Cas’s sweet spot. Then he goes to town, hips flying and punching shudders and gasps and cries from the angel._ _ _ _

____Cas is still getting used to his human body, and he doesn’t have much stamina yet, which Dean was grateful for right now. Two minutes of Dean’s wild thrusting and Cas cries out in that way that means he’s close. Dean knows he could have cut that time in half if he’d jerked Cas off at the same time, but tonight he just can’t bring himself to touch Cas there. It doesn’t matter. Another handful of thrusts and Cas’s dick twitches as he comes untouched._ _ _ _

____All over Dean._ _ _ _

____Dean nearly gags at the hot, sticky substance on his stomach and chest. He looks around, but there’s no rag or shirt or even a sock within reach. Cas is still sat atop his hips, pinning Dean there with his rapidly softening dick in Cas’s ass as the former angel pants for air. A dopey smile lights up his tired face as he leans in for a kiss, but Dean can’t enjoy any of it, not until he gets cleaned off._ _ _ _

____“That was wonderful,” Cas purrs in between kisses._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Dean says, kissing back to distract Cas from the grimace on his face. The come on his belly and chest is turning cold and it feels disgusting._ _ _ _

____“Did you come?” Cas asks._ _ _ _

____“When you did,” Dean lies. His dick is already fully soft again, he doesn’t want Cas spending half an hour trying to coax an orgasm Dean doesn’t care about out of him._ _ _ _

____Cas smiles and finally lifts off Dean to lie down beside him._ _ _ _

____“Don’t get too comfy,” Dean warns. “We still gotta clean up.”_ _ _ _

____“Hmm.”_ _ _ _

____Cas’s eyes are already slamming shut, but there was no way Dean can relax and enjoy the post-sex cuddles when there is still lube and come all over them both._ _ _ _

____“Come on,” he says, taking Cas’s hand and helping him stand. The angel’s legs are a little shaky, and Dean tries to find pride in that but just can’t._ _ _ _

____Despite Cas’s fatigue, Dean insists they needed a quick shower. He pulls Cas into the stall with him, quickly setting the temperature and then hissing when the first blast is cold anyway. Dean doesn’t care, he just quickly goes to work scrubbing down his stomach and chest with a slightly overzealous amount of soap. He gives his dick and balls a perfunctory wash as well, hating the feeling of lube drying on his skin._ _ _ _

____Once he feels reasonably clean, he switches places with Cas and watches as the angel cleans himself up, still with that relaxed smirk on his face. Dean tries to smile back, but he can’t ignore the cold, hollow feeling in his gut. The one that always follows sex now. The one that takes hours to leave and has him feeling like a husk until it does._ _ _ _

____Dean reaches to shut off the water, but Cas stops him by pulling him into a languid kiss. It’s chaste, just gentle lips against Dean’s because Dean had actually gotten up the nerve a while ago to tell Cas he didn’t like being slipped the tongue._ _ _ _

____It’s slow and gentle and so full of love it makes Dean ache. He smiles into the kiss, a genuine smile because this is just Cas showing him how he feels. This isn’t leading up to sex that he can hardly get through, or a discussion he doesn’t want to have. This is just them, basking in each other’s presence._ _ _ _

____When they finally get into some sleep clothes and make it back to the bed, Dean lets Cas settle in tight against his back, one arm draped over his ribs, the other tucked under his head to wrap around his chest. Cas always holds him tight like this after, and it almost makes it worth the sex. To feel the love and the happiness radiating off the angel as he presses delicate kisses to the back of Dean’s neck and whispers endearments into his hair._ _ _ _

____Pressed together like this from head to toe, Dean feels that emptiness in his chest filling. He sighs, relaxing into Cas’s arms and letting sleep tug at him._ _ _ _

____“I love you, Dean,” Cas whispers, drowsy like he is only seconds away from passing out._ _ _ _

____“Love you too, angel,” Dean murmurs back. Cas hugs him tighter for a moment before sleep finally takes him._ _ _ _

____For these moments, Dean will tolerate the blowjobs and the groping and the fucking. He’ll put up with the come on his skin and the smell of sex in the room as he tries to sleep. To have Cas in his passenger seat and in his arms and in his bed, it’s worth it. For Cas’s love, Dean will do almost anything._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen a lot of works exploring Dean's sexuality post-abuse or post-Hell, and I wanted to make my own contribution. I felt those fics generally feature Dean being scared of sex until he has it with someone who's patient and gentle and then he learns to love it again (don't get me wrong, I loved a lot of those fics), but I wanted to take this in a different direction. I wanted to write something featuring a Dean who is already with the most caring, patient, gentle person he could be with, and still can't find the same interest he once had. For him, sex is a chore he does to keep from rocking the boat with Cas.
> 
> For anyone wondering, the title is from The Wisp Sings by Winter Aid. I recommend the slowed-down version, but I think the song works well for Dean and Cas


End file.
